Wednesday, April 14, 2010


Ramps can blow me. I just don’t understand how this dirty little onion, that doesn’t taste any different from any other dirty little onion, can be so popular. Yes, it is seasonal. Yes, it is green, mostly. Yes, it has a cute name. However, I don’t see why all the fuss. It isn’t as if ramps make men more virile or women more fertile or anyone less like an asshole. They are the cupcakes of green veggies: small and trendy. As it is with cupcakes, however, you have a mob of people following other people’s tastes, instead of following their own. Where is the ramp cupcake? I want to see a carob cupcake with some garlic foam for icing. But wait! There will be a magnificent ramp sticking right out of that earthy mound. What do you think?

If I wanted to eat something that tasted like onion and garlic, and dirt, I’d eat an onion and some garlic, and some dirt. The green part I can do without too. Don’t get me wrong, I love green vegetables. They help things move along and they are chock-full of vitamins. Plus, they taste good – they taste green. They taste like you are eating something healthy and you feel better for it. They taste like Spring and sun and earth.

I love broccoli. Where did all the broccoli love go? Broccoli is dependable, timeless, sturdy, and fractal-y. It is just like Kermit, minus the fractal aspects. (I will admit here and now that I’m an old lady in many ways. I’m 32 going on 85. I eat non-dairy products so the arthritis in my hips won’t flare up. Hence, I like tried-and-true veggies.) Spinach? Who doesn’t love Popeye? He has tattoos and eats healthy and defends his funny-faced lady love. (I may have an interest in this scenario for personal reasons, but that’s another story.) Brussels sprouts are pretty awesome too. They are mini cabbages! They are little, baby, cute, adorable little cabbages. If cooked well, they are sweet and meaty at the same time. Let’s talk about cabbage. Cabbage is good too, minus the stink that some people associate with it. Lettuce? Asparagus? Broccoli Rabe? Kale? Peas? Don’t forget all of these other amazing green vegetables this Spring. Join me in the stand against ramps! They’re a’ight, but ‘a’ight’ shouldn’t qualify them for a Pulitzer!

I’m not hating; just venting. To prove I mean no harm, here is a smiley face: :) Those make up for everything! :)

Plus, being contrary is my shtick.

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