Beerfly Pie

This hearty and savory pie is so easy to make, you can whip it up even through the tears of a bad breakup. The ingredients can be interchanged and substituted, depending on your cupboard and state of mind. However, it is essential to have the proper frame of mind - that of longing for the hours of your life lost drinking at bars.

Crust
2 cups flour
1 stick butter, or 8 tbs. spread
ice water as needed to bind

Filling
1 cup sugar
1/8 cup cigarette ash (Camel is the preferred hipster choice, but Marlboro Reds should suffice; steer clear of cloves as they are a tad elitist)
1/4 cup water
pinch cinnamon
1/2 cup bourbon (plus one cup for you while preparing)
1 tsp. bitters (yours or store-bought)
1/2 cup finely chopped questionable sausage
1/2 cup finely chopped, cooked barley
1 apple, peeled, cored, and finely chopped
1/2 cup grated stinky cheese (the stinkier, the better, just like those empty promises he made)

Make crust as usual, duh!

In saucepan, stir sugar, ash and water over low heat until sugar is dissolved and you can't breathe.

In separate bowl, mix cinnamon, bourbon, bitters, sausage, barley, and apple. Set aside to get rank, like the feeling you get when you think of THEM reuniting.

Pour the sugar mixture over the sausage mixture and incorporate well - at least until you feel nauseous, if not more - just like that relationship you knew you had to end months ago.

You can now put the sausage mix into the crust, making sure to leave splashes of mess over the side because nothing is neat about a beerfly pie.

Sprinkle with the stinky cheese and bake in a preheated 375 degree oven for about 30-40 minutes, or until the neighbors complain.

Remove from oven and cool completely. Like relationships formed at a bar, it should be lukewarm.

Slice the pie and serve with regret, but preferably with self-loathing. Enjoy!